Relationships, Sex Drives, and Time

Photo by Leah Kelley 

Being in a long-term relationship is nothing like the lust filled infatuation a fresh relationship starts on; changes occur without our knowledge and we settle ourselves into a routine whether we like it for not. As a relationship goes on and you get into the swing of being together, you find yourself simply going through the mundane motions of adult life and can often lose that flair that had you rampantly horny and looking to have sex whenever and wherever. It’s normal, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it – however, sex is a vital part in maintaining a healthy relationship, offering moments where you are focused on each other and not bogged down by the chores of life and technology. 

So, how do you maintain an active sex life? How do you initiate sex when you’ve been together for so long? Can you just approach them and ask or is that a bit weird? We’re here to give you some advice on how to keep that sex life active, healthy, and most importantly free of awkward moments!

Ditch the tech

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Smartphones and computers have taken over our lives and we gladly accept it, after all they make most tasks significantly easier and allow us to maintain communication from across the globe. But are you aware that they could also be the reason for the decrease in your sex drive? Being constantly attached to our phone or extremely-online takes away from time where we could be having sex or engaging intimately with our partners, taking away precious moments of connection. 

Sex writer Beth Ashley wrote for Red Magazine about her experience doing a digital detox, and the surprising effect it had on her and her partners’ sex life stating “… But without our phones to distract us at bedtime, we just lay there together. In that silence and lack of stimulation, came the perfect environment to connect and initiate great sex.” While going on a digital retreat might not be in the cards for everyone, there is merit towards taking the time away from our devices with Beth concluding that since her digital detox, both her and her partner now spend one night a week away from their devices.

So, if you find yourself constantly scrolling through social media whenever you have some down time, checking work e-mails out of office, and messaging people constantly the second you sit down, then it might be time to enforce some tech-based boundaries, discuss with your partner a suitable time for you both to be away from technology and make a plan of what you can do together during that time.

Alone Time

Photo by Uriel Mont

It may sound counter-intuitive to stay away from your partner in order to maintain a healthy sex life, but trust us it works. Spending time apart allows us to grow individually and through independent masturbation we may discover kinks, fetishes, and turn-ons we hadn’t even thought of. Experiment with a partner – while amazing – can lead to some less than exciting moments where things simply don’t work out. Experimenting on your own gives you the opportunity to try something new without shame or judgement, working on this new development in your sexual repertoire like a secret talent until your comfortable to share it with someone else.

Bustle talks about the need for independence in their article `5 Things Couples Who Keep The Spark Alive Have In Common, According To Science` stating that “Maintaining autonomy is another factor when it comes to keeping the sexual spark alive. One study from 2014 found that in a qualitative study of 33 couples, when it came to their relationships, autonomy meant possibility and discovery.”

If you are finding that your sex life has reached somewhat of a dry spell, getting sick of the repetitive and mundane intimate time you and your partner are having, then gently suggest spending some time apart. As they say “distance makes the heart grow fonder” and it’s safe to assume the same applies to sex. Just make sure this is mutually agreed upon, separating yourself from a partner without first discussing it can cause grief and anxiety for the other person(s) making them question why you are suddenly acting distant or going off on your own.

Communication

Photo by Christina Morillo

We bring up communication a lot, but it really is at the heart of every amazing relationship and especially the key to a mind-blowing sex life. Talking things through with your partner(s) can lead to breakthroughs as to why sex isn’t happening that often, or why it’s becoming a bit bland. There may be something on your mind holding you back from amazing sex, or it could be that your partner(s) have some concerns that haven’t been addressed, they may even feel shame about the things they want to try in the bedroom. Talking it should never end up a fight, nor should it become accusatory. Listen to your partner(s) and make it clear that you expect the same level of respect in return. Introduce the idea that you’re perhaps not having sex often enough or that the sex is no longer as exciting as it was before and start looking for solutions together. Make sure you do this in a safe environment where all parties involved feel relaxed and open to talking about stuff that makes them feel vulnerable.

Communication is different, and we’re not here to tell you how you should be doing it. But it’s important that you do know how to talk to your partner(s) not just so you can have better sex, but as a foundation for an amazing relationship.

Whether you’ve been together for over a decade or you’re a year strong, there’s no wrong time to start doing a little maintenance on your sex life – so get going and we hope you get the sex you deserve!